Quarantine Levity.........something to think about
***Tomorrow is the National Homeschool Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear. You’re welcome!
***I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
***2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
***The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
***You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers…
***This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
***Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!
***Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!
***Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
***Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
***I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a six foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
***Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.
***Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.
***I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”
***When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?
***Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
HOW TO TELL YOU ARE AN ADULT:
*You gain 30 pounds overnight
*You'd rather sleep than go out
*Comfort before style
*You have a favorite spatula
*College students look like 12 year olds
Enjoy the "Paraprosdokians" below, courtesy of Jarvis!
(Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.)
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of an emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find someone older than me.
Sadly this is true!!! Spread the Laughter, Share the Cheer, Let's be Happy, while we're here!
(to see 'close-ups' of this picture, scroll to the bottom of this home page)
Middle OLD age is just walking around
all day muttering things like………….
“What was I going to say?”
“What did I come in here for?”
“Did I already take my pill?”
How did I get this bruise?”
Why am I sore?”
“Where did I leave my phone?”
“Who moved my
water wine glass?”
“Did the dryer shrink these pants?”
“That’s it. Diet starts tomorrow.”
“$2.99 a pound for apples? The nerve!”
I could’ve sworn that was my password.”
“Who in the world is calling me at 9:00 p.m.?”
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
such a nice change from being young.
"Rekindled friendships often burn more brightly"
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